Those with Asperger’s Syndrome like myself, “aspies” for short are nearly synonymous with not making good eye contact. Why is that? How should a person work with an aspie refusing to make eye contact? And what sort of strategies do aspies use to address this?
Why do aspies have trouble with eye contact?
For aspies, it is so often the case that eye contact is stressful, painful, or terrifying. I don’t exaggerate in the slightest when I say this either. Eye contact activates the parts of an aspies brain that a neurotypical might have activated only when in danger or before participating in something scary.
This means aspies have immense trouble with eye contact because it is literally seen as a dangerous situation instinctively from his or her point of view. While this is entirely illogical and even ridiculous when viewed objectively, that does not change the way we aspies are wired to respond to a situation involving eye contact: with fear.
How to work with an aspie unwilling to make eye contact
Knowing all this, what can possibly be done when an aspie family member or friend is reluctant or outright refuses to look you in eye? Should you insist that he or she looks you in the eye? Absolutely not. And here’s why:
As I mentioned before, aspies simply can not avoid that feeling of fear when making eye contact (with very rare, occasionally inconsistent exceptions). For this reason, forcing eye contact is only going to inflict harm and distress to the aspie in your life.
Instead of insisting that your family member or friend look you in the eye while talking to you I would encourage you to not take it personally when an aspie does not look you in the eye. I can tell you from experience that very often I desperately want to look someone in the eye, but just can’t. It’s heartbreaking, so please help your aspie friend by just allowing him or her to not have to worry about eye contact around you.
That simple action will not go unnoticed
What strategies do aspies use to offset eye contact difficulty?
Personally, I try to have “polite” excuses for not looking at people directly in the eye whenever I can. These sorts of things are picked up automatically over time and help a lot as they leave energy for when I am required socially to make eye contact.
Some examples of this would include doing anything on my phone, writing something down (particularly useful if it is a classroom situation whether notes are really necessary or not), finding ways to excuse myself from situations, and planning out as much of my day as possible.
Real quick, before I wrap this up, I’ve found that eye contact comes much more easily to me when I am looking at someone I trust. If you were to give this strategy a shot with an aspie you are close to, I would highly recommend not pressuring him/her to make eye contact with you too quickly. At least in my case, forcing eye contact greatly damages my ability to trust a person.
If you have any questions feel free to email me at wouldaspie@gmail.com!